Shoulders back,,,chocolate in each hand,,,

Actually, this time,there is no chocolate anywhere. It wouldn't help and I couldn't eat it even if it would.
For the past two years I have had the most horrid wonderful incredibly dysfunctional loving relationship with a sponge of a beautiful man. He had just left his wife,,the psycho freak he married very young because she was the first woman that told him she loved him. He wasn't ready for me and I told him so. Asked him to please go and play,,find himself,,figure out what he wanted in life and then come to me. He didn't want to go. He didn't NEED to go. He had what he wanted in me and didn't want to lose me. What I saw in him ,,what attracted me,,I'm still not sure. He was a blonde Ken doll. So very much a Ken doll. Beautiful to look at but no substance or knowledge. He loved classical music. He could cook. He was an exquisite lover. He brought chocolate and flowers. He was socially inept. He was a total goofus. He was a walking talking breathing faux pas. He was an exquisite lover. I furnished his house,,he didn't even own a couch to sit on. I taught him about soft sheets and good pillows,,he was sleeping on an Indian blanket. I introduced him to matching dishes and silverware, table linens. Furnished the girls rooms so when they came to visit they would have a real home to remember. They didn't have beds. They had mattresses on the floor and he and the psycho freak didn't think there was anything odd about that?? He was a sponge. Soaked it all up,,took it all. I bought him his first pair of dress pants and real shoes. Polo shirts. Good jeans. How does a man get to be 46 and not own nice clothes? Not own a tie? Took him out and showed him how to shop for his daughters. Remembered their birthdays. Dealt with the psycho freak exwife. Got him involved with his family again. Met his friends, loved most of them, was scared of a few of them. Hid from some of them. We traveled, we laughed, we cooked, we loved. I fell in love. And now,,after two years,,he realizes ,,he needs to go play. Go figure out who he is and what he wants. He needs to be Robert. He's never been on his own and he feels that before he commits to someone he needs to do these things. I agree. His timing sucks,,but I agree. He has the trappings now to go out into the world and possibly attract someone. He is beautiful. Still a goofus. But he has clothes to wear on a date and might even know where to take someone. I want to hate him. I still love him. He loves me,,he's not in love with me. I'm back on " the list". Fuckable. Not lovable. I miss him.